In the mood for...............?

Had a early celebration on Wed (which was yesterday). The surprise came abit early but I do not mind at all. That bouquet of roses, given to me right at the car park, it was a mixture of embarassment and guilt to have cost him so much over a celebration. I do not really feel the joy nor excitement of the coming day because as I age, I starts to wonder, what is there to celebrate when the wrinkles and crowlines start to form on every inch of our skin? Was it a joy to even be born in the first place? Why are we celebrating us turning older and older and weaker..and uglier..and eventually dying?? Why do we live to die? Since we will be dying, why dont we end it even way before it even start since the ending will always be death? Ok ok....enough of the dark thoughts.

Anyway, it was a pleasant surprise. :) We had dinner at Mushroom Pot since I have always been pestering for some "colorful" mushrooms and thus, I had my fill there, all sorts of fungus to stuff into my mouth.

Had a slow walk along Kallang Stadium, then back in the car, I opened up that gift he had for me. Again that mixture of guilt and embarassment overwhelmed me.I have caused him the trouble to have spend so much on a good for nothing woman! He fumbles awhile but manage to wear that necklace for me. I felt like a little woman. LOL! What have I done to have let him dotes me so much? I always wonder why.

Then I thought of all the kindness received from all of yous, my ex: who had wore that Titus watch for me on my wrist, how he would cut up that chicken cutlet into bit size for me, how his handmade gifts/cards touched my heart, tying my shoe laces, bringing me herbal tea, never fails to send me right to my door step even after a bad tiff. Him: who had removed whipped cream from my drink, written those simple yet sincere words on that Vday card which moved me to tears becos such things coming from him is, never easy I guess. And the recent one: to have showered me with all the unconditional concerns and never expect any returns but just a simple "I just want you to be happy".

Since secondary days, I have been adored and taken care of by many friends. Ppl who showered me with "letters of confessions", roses, gifts, etc, all these efforts which caused some jealousy brewing and I have lost some frienships in between. But seriously, its not something I wanted or is within my control. Instead of feeling joyful, I feel embarassed most of the time.

Sometimes I do take these gestures for granted. Was it simply becos I was just being too use to it or simply because I understand the rules of the game of pursuit and therefore care less about such gestures? There are some who admire me for the attention and love I gets. I do agree and cherish it even more now. Cos I come to realise that such adoration and dotes does not happen to everyone. I have been such a silly girl.

The ups and downs (mostly downs) that he has been with me to go thru it one by one. I am just afraid to become someone else's burden again. I am afraid to give, to share, to show my concern. I feel safer behind this icy mask I casted on it upon myself, one which shows no emotions and feels no emotions.

And yes its true. It's only a matter of how much you want that person in your life as part of your life story, even if it's just a chapter and not the epilogue. I will cherish this soulmate I have got now. Future no one knows but for the present moment, I guess you and I know just what we want.




And thanks to Ginnise for the Body cream. Lavender is one of my fav. Only you know best! And Alban, for his ticket to the show. I will work hard and take good care of myself. Hope that song will grab some attention in SPop and may all my readers feel some joy reading this post. :)