My dying drill

The urgency is constantly on the bay.

The discomfort in me. But I have urgent work to rush.... I stayed for another half an hour before deciding to leave. I took a one last look at my desk.

Back home...I rush to the toilet. To my shock, my hand went weak and turn cold. There was blood. Many thoughts went thru my brain. Am I really dying young?? I could not control it. And again, it happen a couple of times. The rush feeling of wanting to urinate but what came out were flow of blood....The frequency of visiting the washroom and the amount of blood increased tremendously.

My limbs were weak...very weak...and turned cold. I walked with slow pace, dress up and took a cab. I refused when mum offered to accompany me to the clinic. I worry how she will react if it's bad news she hear.

Are my kidneys bursting and bleeding now? Are there stones in my bladder? Am I dying of cancer in the final stage? Am I really dying? There were a mixture of excitement and sadness.

The wait at the clinic was very long though I am the no. 4th.

Then again, the urgent tendency is haunting me again. I fasten my foot pace and there I am again, seeing the blood coming out from me. I thought I will die in the clinic washroom cos thats too much of it...and there is no way to control. It just flow together with the urine. I thought my bladder will be urinated out too...

Then I saw I will be rush to A&E after being review by the family doc. I saw I will just blank out and collapse on the floor . I saw the doc telling me I have just few more days to live. I saw friends gathering my bed and chatting with me... I thought I saw myself blogging about my dying days.....I saw myself as the next "Tues with Morrie"..........I saw my wake, my ideal wake in total black and white with white roses and black coffin and everyone is dress in black and looking remorseful.

The reality hit me when the nurse called out my name. I walked in slowly and was lost of words then. I summarised all my thoughts with just "there are blood in my urine and its getting more and more". The female doc looked up and asked "Do you always tolerate your visits to the toilet when you are working?" Then I answered "oh.......yes" and smiled sheepishly. Calmly she replied "It's just urinatory infection my dear, no worries"....she seemed as if she has seen many such cases that day.

Feeling more at ease after getting the assurance from her, I walked out and waited for my medication and with my slow walking pace, I hailed a cab for home. This is the 1st time I have been very obediently taking the medication on time.

Lesson learn is that, in such scenario, when you are in the mid of an uncertainty, whether you be diagnose with any terminal illness, you tend to have flashes of thoughts what if you are really dying, you tend to have flashes of faces whom you care most, you tend to cherish your life more, and regretted certain things you have not do if you are really going to die young...but such thoughts are always flashing only when you are in fear of the approaching end if you are not mentally prepare to die.

The pain has lessen, the blood is vanishing..... and I am back, drinking coffee (again) and should be going back in office later though I am on mc. Those thoughts I experienced yesterday night seemed to have vanished.

But ppl, don't be like me if you cherish your life. Drink more cranberries juice and barley water as advise by the doc and visit the washroom to relief even if you have any urgent work to rush.

It may just be an infection this time. But blood in urine may also means something else the next time...