For all of yous

Have always wanting to share some things with my readers. I have been pretty bothered by these actually for the past few weeks. Many girls would be happy to have countless of suitors. Me too (maybe?). I do like the feeling of being go after. I wonder if that is a way to prove my existence on earth. Well, probably you will think I am an attention seeker. Maybe. Probably I am just confused. I want to prove my worth. And every pursuit brings me to a higher level of attainment, to boost my ego? to build up my confidence? to reduce my insecurity? I dun know. But every time, when I have proved that the certain ppl are interested to start anything new with me, I sort of back out in the end. Many times, I just need to prove to myself that I am right. That’s the furthest I can go. A player am I? well, maybe, I have become. I can’t commit, or choose to refuse to.

There are ppl who want to go a step further with me, developing serious rlship. But whenever I thought of the scenes of being committed to just one person, it sort of freaks me out. So I can safely conclude that so far, I guess I have not met anyone who can make me wanting to commit again. Probably there is one, but too soon to say much at this stage.

The mistakes I made started back dated since my 1st break up. Only recently then I realized I have been making mistakes all the while since then. Meeting new ppl is a wonderful thing for me, to widen my circle no doubt about that. The many things I tried to work things out or back out in the end. Well, at least I tried and found out what don’t works for me. :)

The 1st rlship changed my mindset totally about rlship. I thought, rather to be seriously in love with someone and get hurt at the end of the day, why not I give someone a chance, who loves me more instead? So I started a 2nd rlship trying to work things out. Picturing a nice future.

Definitely, this guy who crossed my path was someone who loves me a lot. My contribution and feelings towards the whole rlship, was just that much. That was how much I could give. I can’t give more as I need to protect myself. I am so sorry that things don’t work out in the end becos I realize at the end of the day, I can’t convince myself. And I do not want to live in someone else’s shadow. And slowly I became afraid of you, I dun know why. Just afraid. Towards you, I feel I owe you a lot. A lot. You were there to encourage me during the crisis period. You were there to bring me to the brighter side of life. You were there all along. I know. But fate either brings two complete strangers together, or further apart. For us, we belong to the latter. I will hope to see you success and whatever you do, do it for yourself and not for others. Never wait for someone like me.

The many others who tries to get close to me after my second breakup, they demand serious attention from me, or my consideration to start anything anew. They thought I am the one for them. But has it ever cross their mind if they are the one for me? Then they started blaming me instead. Either saying “Miu, you suck!” or “It is your loss, Miu” or “Unfair! Why never consider me??!”

Just because I refuse to giving them a chance to start anything, and I am to be blame? Then it always makes me wonder why would it be a loss to me when I never wanted to consider having it in the 1st place? Well, I never wanted to argue on that point. If I decide give up on you, or never want to consider you, it’s simply because I don’t want to. I don’t think you are the one whom I am interested to go further with, that’s all! I dun see that as a loss for myself.

And I know ppl make sarcastic remarks about me just to feed their own ego. I am not going to defend for myself on that. You can scold me all you want, in order to feed your ego anif that makes yourself feel any better. I aint going to defend for myself. And it’s not a sin I have committed if I chose other over you. Simply becos in life, I can only chose one person.

And if you are not the one I have chosen, dun just blame me. We are just not meant to be... and all I can say is, I am so sorry.