Is it a need or an ornament?

I have been pondering sometimes over this question. Is it a necessary to have a relationship? My colleagues are surprise I am still unattached and when I told them sometimes I have bad dreams in the night or probably I am still not used to sleeping alone in a room (I used to share room with my sister), her advice is “go get married”.

Although her advice is not something sensible or workable. With all those talks, she does make me wonder sometimes, if I really don’t need a relationship at all. Many times, I realize, actually I have been an independent person and also in terms of emotionally independent. Maybe meeting too many weird or bad guys out there made me come to this conclusion that there is no other guys out there that you can trust or depend on! You know who you are (s).

Meeting the wrong guys makes me loss hopes in relationship. Meeting good guys make me worry if good things last? With all these doubts, how could I ever be ready for one? So that’s why, if things are uncertain or has no definite answer, I rather skip the question because I know I will never be able to convince myself with an answer.

I met one whom I thought is the one but he eventually left me for another one. I met one who cares and sort of control too much till I freaked out, I met one who said I am a too nice girl for a player like him, I met another one who is always full of himself and wanted me to change for his sake, I met another one who said he likes me but not ready for relationship until unless all his buddies are attached blah blah blah, I met a few whom I have no real feelings for, I met one whom has too much excuses and lies and self defensive comments and complicated pasts which I foresee it will definitely not work out and it is not the kind of relationship I want.

And now this one, who is again like a light in a dark but too much disappointments and darkness that I had that I wonder if I should believe hope is knocking on my door again. It may be another false alarm. How much do you need me to go thru these similar scenarios again and again, mighty one?

All I need is a simple life. Simple and uncomplicated one. Is it too much to ask for? A good decent man is just right in front of me, but what is holding me back? The fear of disappoints. The better the person is for me, the greater the disappointment I fear. And while I am still pondering if a relationship to me is necessity or an ornament, I guess, I could only figure this out before I can decide on anything.

Meanwhile I know you will bear with me, wont you?